


The Idler Wheel is Wiser Than the Driver of the Screw

by snowpoppies



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, F/F, F/M, First War with Voldemort, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 12:22:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29916867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowpoppies/pseuds/snowpoppies
Summary: Lily put her nose to the top of Harry’s head, inhaling the smell of him, a firm satisfaction settling in her chest as she held her son in her arms. Her son. But he wasn’t really hers, was he? No, he was all of theirs.A collection of scene's set in the Potter home in Godric's Hollow from Lily's POV.(Written for the HPFF Spring Writing Challenge I)
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon & Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 14





	The Idler Wheel is Wiser Than the Driver of the Screw

**April 23, 1980**

Lily sat cross legged on the floor of their entryway, humming to herself as she used her wand to gently direct a textbook from the box beside her onto the shelf across from the door. James poked his head in from the sitting room,

“Lily! You promised to leave the heavy ones for me.” He chided. 

Lily rolled her eyes with a heavy groan, “James, you overprotective louse, I’m using my wand, aren’t I?”

“Just...let me help.” He strode into the room, grabbing the beat-up copy of _Hogwarts: A History_ from the air.

Lily scowled and flicked her wand, sending a copy of _The Bell Jar_ flying into his back. James spun on her, textbook raised above his head menacingly.

She smirked, “Really? Threatening your pregnant wife?”

“Alright, Evans, you win.” He lifted his free hand in mock surrender, before turning to place the book on the uppermost shelf.

They settled into a companionable silence, quietly lining the shelves with a mixture of Hogwarts texts and muggle paperbacks. It was a guilty relief to be out of the Potters’ London house, where they’d spent the majority of the last year squeezed into James’ childhood room. Though they’d insisted she was family, and of course she was, she’d never quite stopped feeling like a guest. It had taken some convincing to get James to move on after his parents passed. Really, the only thing that had done it was the inarguable logic that it would simply be safer to live somewhere nondescript, only known to the Order members, than in the stately London house generations of Potters had called home. 

Their silent unpacking was interrupted by the low thrum of a motorbike pulling up into their drive.

“James, you didn’t.” She protested through a grin, glancing up to see him looking down at her.

He placed his hands on her shoulders and gave them a light squeeze, “Well, we’ve got to have a proper housewarming.”

“There’s still boxes everywhere.”

“More seating.” He answered cheekily.

Lily pushed herself up off the floor and leaned against her husband, “Personally, I was hoping the housewarming could be a bit more… private.”

“Hmmm, I’m listening.” James wrapped his arms around her hips as Lily pressed her lips against his.

“Oi, weren’t expecting company!?” Sirius laughed as he barged in the front door, Remus right behind him.

“Hope we’re not interrupting anything.” Remus said with a smirk as Sirius grabbed Lily from her husband’s arms and twirled her around.

“Sirius!” She giggled as he set her back down.

“Hey! Careful!” James placed a hand on the small of Lily’s back, “My wife is in a delicate condition.”

“I’ll say, having to put up with your sorry arse all day.” A sharp laugh escaped Sirius as James bent over to tackle him.

“Hey, wankers.” Remus chided, shaking a handle of Scotch.

“Oh good, Moony came prepared.” James cheered. 

“Hey, no fair, if I can’t indulge at my own housewarming, no one should.” Lily rubbed her stomach, which was just beginning to form a delicate curve beneath her shirt.

“Fair enough Lilyflower, we’ll save this for when baby Prongs makes their official entry into the world.” Sirius grabbed the bottle out of Remus’ hand and hurried off towards the kitchen.

“Thanks Pads!” Lily called, before wrapping Remus in an embrace, “Doing okay, love?”

He groaned into her hair, “I don’t know why I let Sirius talk me into getting on that fucking bike again.”

“Because you love me Moons.” Sirius swept back into the room, pulling Remus out of Lily’s arms and giving him a quick peck on the cheek. 

There was a loud crack from outside. “Oh, that’ll be Wormy.” James jumped to get the door.

“Where is she?” A voice that was decidedly not Peter’s shouted from the doorway.

“Oh, well, hello Marlene, Dorcas.” Marlene pushed past James as Dorcas shook her head, charging towards Lily.

“Lily you beautiful creature, pregnancy has you absolutely glowing.” She threw her arms around Lily, and Lily fell into the embrace of her classmate, burying her face into Marlene’s hair. She’d been using the same shampoo since they were eleven. It smelled like home.

Another crack at the door. A moment later, the scent of curry drifted into the house.

“Pete!” James called in greeting. 

“Takeaway Wormy, you saint.” Sirius bounded over to him, grabbing for a bag.

“Okay, okay, back off, or I’ll drop all of this.” Peter, who was precariously balancing four bags of takeaway, two in his hands and two against his chest, protested as he was swarmed by his friends.

Marlene unlatched her arms from Lily and skipped back towards the door “There better be Palak paneer.”

Amidst the commotion, Lily noticed Remus slip out of the room.

“Here, Peter, let me take some of that!” She snagged a bag before making a hasty retreat to the kitchen. She placed the bag on the counter, next to the handle of scotch, and stepped out the backdoor.

Remus Lupin sat on the steps at the edge of their patio, cigarette in hand.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Lily asked as she sat beside him.

He started, and immediately stubbed his cigarette out on the concrete. “Fucking hell Lily.”

She rolled her eyes, “Shouldn’t be smoking around a pregnant woman you know.”

“Yeah well, that’s why I came outside.”

Lily scooted closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder, “What’s going on?”

“Just loud in there’s all.”

“Yeah. They’re a lot.”

“Our lot though.” He wrapped an arm around her and kissed the top of her head.

“What do you think?” She asked.

Remus took a moment to glance around the back garden, “Honestly, Lily? It’s perfect.”

“James is already talking about putting up Quidditch hoops.” Lily rolled her eyes. 

“Oh good. He and Sirius can tire themselves out on brooms and we’ll keep the patio for cigarettes and tea.”

“There will be no cigarettes.” She admonished lightly.

He scoffed a bit at this but squeezed her tighter.

She took a deep breath, let herself melt against him, “I’m scared, Remus.”

“Shouldn’t be.” He answered.

“We’re just so young,” She continued, “and with the war on…Who are we to bring another life into all this? What do we know?”

“Lils, all a kid really needs is love.” He tugged lightly on a lock of her hair, “And I figure you and James know more about that than most anyone else.”

“With you lot around they’ll be the most loved kid in Britain.” Lily mused.

“Oi, James,” Sirius’ voice drifted out from the kitchen window, “Moony’s making the moves on your wife out there.”

The sounds of laughter and light scuffling spilled out from the kitchen.

Lily sighed, “Better head in.” 

“Yeah.”

She pushed herself up from the step, pausing to dust off her jeans when Remus cast her a mischievous grin. “Moony--don’t!” She protested in vain, shrieking with laughter as Remus scooped her up into his arms, cradling her against his chest.

“Can’t let a woman in your delicate condition walk.” He chided.

“Oh no, of course not.”

“James’d never let me hear the end of it”

She curled against him as he carried her through the door.

*****

**July 31, 1980**

They opened the scotch the night Harry was born, though Lily didn’t partake. It had been a rough night, really. She never imagined it this way, her school nurse delivering her child in the master bedroom, but St. Mungo’s wasn’t safe anymore, and Poppy Pomfrey was the only healer they could trust these days.

“He has your eyes Lil.” James said breathily after Poppy handed him the baby. She watched her husband as he gently bounced the bundle in his arms. She wanted to reach out for him, to ask to hold him, but found herself too exhausted to speak.

James looked to Lily. She nodded to him, and a smile bloomed across his face as he handed her their child. Theirs.

“Harry for a boy, right Lil?” He asked gently as he crouched beside her.

She traced the outline of his face delicately. “Harry James.” She said in a whisper. He looked at her, and her eyes locked onto his. Something swelled in her chest, pride? No, love.

She’d barely had a chance to hold him, to process the strange amalgamation of feelings stirring up within her when they heard muffled whispers at the door. Sirius, Remus and Peter had supposedly been waiting in the kitchen the entire time, but Lily suspected Sirius had actually been sitting in the hallway outside the bedroom. James squeezed her arm, asking, and she smiled, answering.

“Come on in.” James called, and Sirius burst through the door, eyes meeting Lily’s, then locking on to the bundle in her arms. He hesitated, in the doorway for a moment, his energy seemingly drained out of him, before approaching Lily with a caution she had never before seen in the impulsive man. He crouched beside her bed.

“Can…can I?” He asked, tentatively.

“Of course.” She whispered.

“Be sure to support his head.” Poppy spoke up, a tinge of worry in her voice, as Sirius pulled the child from Lily’s hands. She needn’t have been concerned.

“His name is Harry.” James offered, and Lily saw Sirius’ lower lip begin to tremble, “D’ya think…you’ll still be the godfather, right mate?

Sirius couldn’t speak. Just nodded in answer, his eyes not leaving Harry as tears began to spill from them.

Lily felt a hand in her hair and looked up to see Remus standing beside her. She glanced around, Peter was there too, standing beside James. They must have slipped in without her notice. Remus smirked down at her, “Congratulations Lily, now you’ve got one more boy to mother.”

She laughed, surprised she had the energy to, “If Sirius ever gives him back.”

Sirius finally broke his gaze from his godson at the sound of his name, looking at Remus. “Moony have you seen him?”

Remus stepped to Sirius, bending over Harry. “See, Harry? That’s your Uncle Moony.” Sirius cooed, handing Harry to Remus who took the boy cautiously, eyes widening.

“Hi—Hello, Harry.” He offered, before Peter appeared at his side. Remus smiled at his friend before sheepishly shuffling Harry into his arms.

Peter’s face broke into a wide grin as he held the bundle. “Hi Harry, I’m Uncle Peter. Don’t let any of these gits tell you I’m—”

“Uncle Wooooormy.” The other three marauders crooned, drowning out Peter’s groans.

“Okay, okay, that’s enough boys.” Poppy butted in, taking Harry from Peter, “Let’s give the both of them some quiet.”

Poppy handed Harry back to Lily as she shuttled the four men, James included, out of the room. Lily put her nose to the top of Harry’s head, inhaling the smell of him, a firm satisfaction settling in her chest as she held her son in her arms. Her son. But he wasn’t really hers, was he? No, he was all of theirs.

*****

**April 7, 1981**

Lily’s mother had warned her in a well-intentioned way that being the first among friends to have a child could be alienating. “They’ll be over constantly, at first, but when the excitement fades, they’ll be back to their lives you know. Back to parties, and pubs, and you and James will be alone with an infant.”

She never really had understood Lily’s friends.

Today was one of the first truly warm days of Spring. Marlene and James laid in the grass of the back garden; Harry propped up between them.

“When you grow up, you’re going to be a beater just like your Auntie Marls.” She cooed.

James scoffed “Come on McKinnon, have you seen his hands? Meant for a quaffle. He’ll be a proper chaser, alright.”

Dorcas and Lily shared a look from their spot on the patio. _Quidditch players._

The low thrum of a motorbike echoed up the drive, and moments later Sirius appeared. He had scarcely made it out the backdoor before turning into a massive black dog, bounding across the grass to Harry. His face lit up at the sight of his uncle, and he giggled with glee, fighting to get free from Marlene’s grasp. “Oh, fine then.” She chided in mock exasperation, letting Harry go. He crawled to the dog, taking big fistfuls of fur. Padfoot gave the child a quick lick on the face before rolling onto his back.

Remus, who had quietly slipped out the back door behind Sirius, took a seat at the table with Dorcas and Lily, fishing in his pocket for a cigarette.

“Not here Moons.” Lily tsked. He removed his hand from his pocket with a sheepish grin.

“Habit.”

“You need something to eat.” She chided. He looked gaunter every time she saw him.

He rolled his eyes, “Stop worrying Lils, you’re already getting wrinkles on your forehead.”

“You can’t talk to a lady like that.” Dorcas interjected.

“Absolutely correct Dorcas, but our Lily here is no lady.” Remus smiled wryly at her.

Lily crossed her arms and stuck out her tongue as an answer, relieved that he was joking.

Harry screamed in laughter and they all looked over to see Marlene and James doing their best to balance Harry on the black dog’s back, the boy giggling and tearing at Padfoot’s fur. 

“Where’s Peter?” Dorcas broke their trance.

Lily looked up at Remus, but he just shrugged. “Dunno. Said he was busy today.”

“Padfoot reckons Wormy has a hot date!” James shouted from the lawn.

“Oh really, Padfoot the dog told you that?” Lily retorted.

James just shrugged with a laugh, before turning back to the difficult task of keeping Harry upright on the dog. They were so distracted by the theatrics that no one noticed the owl until it was nearly on top of them, dropping a letter onto Lily’s lap. She held the envelope between her fingers, her heart dropping as she recognized the handwriting.

Her voice trembled, “It’s from Dumbledore.”

Remus’ hand tightened on the edge of the table. Dorcas sat up straighter. James grabbed for Harry as Sirius transformed. All traces of laughter melted from Marlene’s face. Lily opened the letter slowly, swallowing the lump in her throat as she skimmed through the lines, looking for the bit of information she needed. “It’s…. It’s Gid and Fab.”

*****  
**June 17, 1981**

The owls never seemed to stop coming after that. She began to expect them. Preferred them really. Anything was better than the cold dread she felt in her chest when she opened the door one June morning, to find Alastor Moody on her porch. 

“Alastor.” 

“Evans. Afraid, I’ve got some news.”

Her face turned white, bile began to rise in the back of her throat. She would have collapsed right there had Harry not been balancing on her hip, pulling at her hair. 

“James--” She managed to gasp. 

“No, no, the McKinnons--” Relief washed over her, _Not James,_ but was instantly replaced by despair for a loss she hadn’t even considered. Moody muttered out the rest of his explanation, but Lily didn’t hear a word of it. She just nodded along, eyes fixed on a tree just behind him, counting the leaves. 

Tears sprang unbidden from her eyes the moment Moody left. For Harry’s sake, she never allowed the wracking sobs building inside her chest to surface. Instead, for the rest of the day, a near constant stream of silent tears poured down her cheeks. Harry had seemed strangely fascinated by her tears all morning, patting at her cheeks, before finally accepting this as simply a new feature of his mother’s face by mid-afternoon. 

James and Sirius were gone for the day. Night too, likely. Remus was… God who knew where. She glanced up at the sky. Though it was still light, the full moon was just becoming visible on the horizon. She used to always know where the boys were on a full moon. _Fucking Dumbledore._

Wormtail and Dorcas were on a mission together, if she remembered correctly. Right. _Dorcas._ A fresh wave of nausea hit her, and she grabbed the top of the fence to steady herself. Looked down at Harry. He was sitting by a pile of dirt, now, digging for worms. She sighed deeply. Blinked back tears. Settled down next to him.

Something about dirt under her fingernails, the smell of soil. It was grounding. _Ha. Grounding._ Marlene would have laughed at that. She swallowed back the lump in her throat, forcing herself to focus on carefully crafting a mudpie alongside Harry’s. His was just an amorphous pile of dirt, but he chirped happily to himself as he piled worms and sticks onto the top. Hers slowly became intricately detailed, tulip petals representing cherry filling peeking through the crust, a cross hatch pattern made around the edge with yellowing blades of grass.

The sound of the backdoor swinging shut broke her from her reverie. She turned from her project, was on her feet in an instant. Sprinting to him, throwing her arms around him. He smelled metallic and sour, like sweat and blood, but she didn’t care, he was here, he was back, he was safe.

“Lily.” James spoke, placing his hands on her waist as if to pull her off of him, “A question.”

She took a deep breath, but did not let go, “Name for a girl?”

“Holly.”

And with that conformation, she let herself fall to pieces in her husband’s arms.

*****  
**July 24, 1981**

Dorcas grew reckless in the wake of her loss. An owl came for her hardly a month after Marlene, just a week before Harry’s first birthday. The letter said Voldemort himself had done it. Lily was numb by then. Couldn’t even bring herself to cry when James broke the news, she just kept bouncing Harry on her leg. Sirius and Peter came over that night for dinner. Muttered some toasts over the kitchen table. She was only vaguely aware of what they were even toasting, but she let the firewhiskey burn down the back of her throat all the same. She had already put Harry to bed an hour ago, and more and more these days she was uneasy when he wasn’t directly in her line of sight.

After a particularly rousing toast, James slammed his shot glass back onto the table, with a force that Lily was certain left a dent in the wood, “Why does this keep happening?” He half-shouted.

 _Because we’re losing._ Lily kept the thought in her mouth.

“Remus reckons there’s a spy.” Sirius spat, “Dumbledore thinks he’s right.”

“Where is Moony, anyway?” Peter asked what they were all thinking.

Sirius stiffened. “Hell if I know.”

“Still on a mission, right?” James offered.

“Wasn’t the full moon 3 nights ago?” Peter inquired.

“Mhmm.” Sirius answered through gritted teeth.

“Could you send him a patronus?” James asked.

Sirius shook his head, “Too risky.”

“You’d think he could slip away and send you one at least.” Peter mused.

James shot Peter a look, before turning back to Sirius, “Probably just can’t get alone, mate.”

“Yeah.” Sirius was leaning back in his chair now, lazily balancing it on one leg, not meeting anyone’s gaze. A darkness had settled over his face, and they all fell silent.

Peter shifted in his seat uncomfortably, “It’s getting pretty late, I should get going. Early morning and all that.”

James stood up, “Yeah, of course mate.” He helped Peter up and pulled him into a tight hug.

Lily got up, hugged him too, “Love you, Wormy.” He stiffened almost imperceptibly in her arms at that.

“See you Pads.” He put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder, who was still absentmindedly rocking in his chair.

Sirius lifted a hand to touch Peter’s, in acknowledgement, “Sure mate.”

When they heard the crack of apparition, Sirius looked up at Lily, “Mind if I just crash…”

Lily shrugged, “The guest room’s good as yours.”

Later that evening, Lily stirred and found James’ side of the bed cold. She sat up so quickly her head spun, grabbing for her wand under her pillow before remembering. Right. _Sirius._

She tiptoed down the hall, briefly pausing to crack open Harry’s door. Fast asleep.

The guest room door was half open, and she peered in to see James wrapped around Sirius, who was curled tightly against his friend. She grabbed a throw blanket off the trunk at the base of the bed and draped it over them. She pulled James’ glasses off, smoothing his hair and folding them up before placing them on the bedside table. She tucked Sirius’ hair behind his ear, before leaning over and kissing him on the temple.

As she went to leave, she caught a glimpse of the waning moon framed by the window behind the bed. Her eyes grew heavy, and quite suddenly she couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. Instead, she muscled her way into bed between the two boys. They barely stirred, just a muffled “Lils,” from James as she pulled his arm around her, and a sleepy “Hey Lilyflower,” from Sirius as she wrapped her arms around him. She tried not to think about the one they were missing as she drifted into an uneasy sleep.

*****  
**October 24, 1981**

“So,” James started, unsuccessfully trying to mask the tremble in his voice, “He’ll be after Harry, then?”

“Yes,” Dumbledore leveled with them. Lily somehow kept the scream from tearing its way out of the back of her throat. Instead, just reached for James’ hand.

Sirius was roughly tearing a piece of parchment to bits, eyes fixed on Dumbledore, the sound of rips punctuating the pregnant silence. Remus reached out to put a hand on his shoulder, but Sirius shrugged him off. Peter looked so green, Lily considered for a moment getting him a waste basket.

“We’ll have to go into hiding then.” Lily murmured, glancing around her kitchen, her kitchen, considering how inconvenient it was going to be to leave, before chiding herself for even thinking of something so trivial.

“Ah, more like, hiding will go to you.” Dumbledore answered. Sirius scowled and rolled his eyes, clearly over the man’s enigmatic rhetoric. 

“You mean the Fidelius?” Remus offered, glancing at Sirius who pointedly avoided his partner’s gaze.

“Precisely, Mr. Lupin.” Remus seemed to bristle at the praise.

James chewed his lower lip, considering, “We’ll need a Secret Keeper then.”

“Yes, quite, now, I am willing to do it but—”

“I’ll do it.” Sirius interrupted, glancing up from the pile of shredded paper in front of him.

Everyone turned to look at him. Peter shifted uneasily in his seat. Remus made a move to reach for Sirius’ hand, then seemed to think better of it.

James spoke first, “Mate, I—”

“Please.” A hint of pleading edged onto Sirius’ voice. “Please let me do this, for you, for, for Harry.”

“Sirius—” Remus started.

“What Moony? Like you could do it? Disappearing every month?” A wave of hurt flashed across Remus’ face.

“Sirius!” James scolded. Lily reached a leg under the table and comfortingly ran her foot over Remus’ shin. He smiled at her gratefully, but it didn’t touch his eyes. 

“Mr. Black, are you prepared to do this?” Dumbledore spoke sternly from the head of the table. Lily always found this quite presumptuous. As if it was his house, his spot at the head of the table. “They could come after you. Torture you.” Remus abruptly stood up at this, began pacing behind the table.

“Anything for Harry.” Sirius scratched at his arms, having run out of parchment to shred.

“I could do it too, you know.” Peter spoke up. Remus paused briefly in his pace, and Sirius looked over at Peter, as if deep in thought. James reached for his hand.

“Course you would Wormy, I know any of you would.”

Sirius broke his gaze on Peter to look at Lily, “Please, Lils. Let me do this.”

Why was it always up to her? She looked over at Dumbledore, who met her gaze appraisingly. _No help from you then._ She thought bitterly.

She looked back to Sirius. “Yes. Let’s… Let’s do it.”

His shoulders visibly relaxed. Remus looked like he wanted to kick something.

“Right. We need to move on this quickly.” Dumbledore spoke.

“Now?” James offered.

“No. Better do it after a night’s rest.” Dumbledore got up from the table, moving towards the door, “Oh, and no need to inform anyone when it will be done. Just take care of it.”

With that, he said his goodbyes and took his leave. Peter was close behind him, followed by Remus and Sirius.

“See you tomorrow.” Sirius said as he hugged James, and Lily pulled Remus in close.

“I… Can I say bye to Harry?” Remus whispered in her ear.

Right. He wouldn’t be able to see him again once the Fidelius was up. “Of course.” She unwrapped herself from him, took his hand. “We’ll be right back.” She offered to Sirius and James as she pulled Remus up the stairs.

Moments later they loomed over Harry’s crib, Remus brushing the child’s tiny hand with his pointer finger. Harry’s hand reflexively wrapped itself around his finger. He just stared at Harry for a minute, as if in a trance, before looking to Lily, “Thank you.” His voice shook slightly as he pulled his finger from Harry’s grip.

“Of course, Uncle Moony.” She wanted to ask him the question forming in the back of her throat, but she knew Remus, knew she wouldn’t really get an answer, so she just squeezed his hand instead as they walked back downstairs. 

The moment the door closed behind the two men, they heard the muffled pitches of raised voices. Lily looked at James with a grimace as he pulled her into him. “The fucks been going on with them?” He muttered. They stayed by the door until the hum of the motorbike faded into the distance.

*****  
**Later that evening, October 24, 1981**

Lily had just slipped her nightgown on when they heard the crack of apparition, and a knock at the door. She shot a look at James, who grabbed for his glasses and wand on the nightstand. Lily pulled her own wand out of her bun. “Who…?”

“Maybe Dumbledore?” James suggested.

Lily shook her head, “They just left what, two hours ago?”

Unease began building and twisting in her stomach.

James nodded, “Right, I’ll get the door. You check Harry.”

She answered with a nod, the alarm in the back of her throat not allowing her to speak as she moved down the hall to her son’s room. She crept in silently, carefully placing a hand on the edge of his crib, keeping her body angled towards the door, wand raised. The one-year-old was fast asleep, clutching a small stuffed black dog to his chest. Moments later she heard voices drifting up the stairs.

“Sirius!”

“For God’s sake James, ask me a fucking question.”

Lily’s hands tightened on the crib. Why was he back here?

“Oh, right, um, okay. What’s my animagus form?”

“A stag.”

Lily fought back a strangled cry of relief, and instead began slipping down onto the floor by Harry’s crib.

“What are you doing here Sirius?”

“I just--- I need to talk to you both, where’s Lily?”

“With Harry.”

The stairs creaked slightly beneath their hurried steps. She should get up, get out of Harry’s room. They shouldn’t wake him, but she couldn’t make herself move.

“Lily.” There was Sirius in the doorway, James behind him, peering over his shoulder.

“Shhh.” She answered, and when she opened her mouth, she tasted salt. She reached up to her dab at her eyes.

James pushed past Sirius. “Lily, what’s wrong?” She waved him away, making a shush motion with her hand. He reached for her hand and helped her up.

“In the—” She sniffed, “In the kitchen.” She gingerly shut Harry’s door and they all made their way back down the stairs. Instinctively, Lily put a kettle on the stove, and pulled mugs out of the cupboard.

“I—” She started, “I thought that, maybe...” Her shoulders began to shake, and there was a hand on her back. She turned to see Sirius’ blue-grey eyes.

“We have to talk.” He looked grave.

James was already sitting down at the table. Lily sighed and switched the stove off, taking a place at the table besides her husband as Sirius took the seat across from them.

Sirius took a deep breath before starting, “Look…I. I think Peter should be the Secret Keeper.”

“Peter?” James started, “You don’t wan—”

“No mate it’s not that, I just… I think I’m the most obvious choice, right?” Sirius continued, “I think we’re better off with Wormy. No one will suspect him.”

Lily stiffened. James rested his chin on his hand, chewing at his fingernails, considering. “Why didn’t you bring this up earlier?”

“Where’s Remus?” Lily asked, pointedly.

“At the flat—” Sirius waved her off, “Look James, I just thought on it more and reali—”

“Does Remus know you’re here?” Lily cut in again.

“Err, no, he…” Sirius stumbled over an explanation.

She leveled her gaze at Sirius, “You’re wrong you know.”

He wouldn’t meet her eyes.

James glanced between the both of them rapidly, “What are you getting at Lily?” 

“He thinks it's Moony.” She stated simply.

James was still lost, “What are you on about—”

Lily continued sharply, “That’s why you didn’t suggest Peter earlier, right? Didn’t want him to know?”

Sirius kept looking down at the table, scratching at his arm.

James took an exasperated breath, “Lily, please, the point.”

Her fingers curled into fists in her lap. “He thinks Remus is the spy.”

James spun to look at Sirius, “No. You wouldn’t.”

“He’s never here, James. Gone for days at a time—”

“On work for Dumbledore.” James spat. 

“So he says.” Sirius muttered darkly. 

“So he says!” James slammed a fist down onto the table, “Are you barking mate?”

Sirius ran a hand through his hair in exasperation, “He won’t tell me _anything_ , James!”

“Sirius he’s under orders—” 

“And Dumbledore has no way of confirmi—”

“No. I won’t listen to this, Remus would nev—”

“You think I want to believe it James?!”

“Well then why the fuck do you—”

This time Sirius was the one to slam a fist onto the table, “He comes home every full moon with new scars, no explanation. He was gone for thirteen days last time.”

James reached out to steady his rattling water glass. “Look, I don’t know what’s been going on with you two, but Remus Lupin would never--”

“I don’t trust him!” Sirius shouted, a pathetic edge to his tone. Like a kicked dog. “I--I want to, okay? But I don’t.”

James put his head in his hands, sighed in exasperation. “If Remus even knew we were talking about this—”

Sirius crossed his arms over his chest, “Well, good thing he’s not here.”

“Fucking hell Sirius, do I even know you.” James shot his friend a look of disgust.

Lily thought of Remus. Of Harry’s hand wrapped around his finger. “You’re wrong.” Lily finally spoke up.

Sirius looked at Lily, eyes stricken. “I---I hope I am. But I just… I can’t be sure. And Lily, Lily please. Please.” He reached for her hand, pleading. “Lily please. I have to be sure about this.”

James stood up abruptly, pushing the chair back so roughly it clattered on the floor. Not a moment later Harry’s keening wails started from upstairs. “Oh… shit, right, I’ll---I’ll just go.” James hurried up the stairs without looking at Sirius.

Defeated, Sirius let his head fall to the table.

“Sirius.” Lily squeezed his hand.

“Lily, I just… I’ve just got this sick feeling about all of this.”

“I think it’s a good idea.” She stated. He looked up, surprised.

“I still think you’re wrong.” Sirius looked back down, avoiding her gaze as she continued, “But anyway, it does make sense for it to be Peter and not you. They wouldn’t suspect him, you’re right.”

“Thank you Lily—”

“But we should tell Remus.”

“Lily I can’t. Please. Please just. I. I can’t.”

She pursed her lips. “It doesn’t feel right. Secrets between us.”

“Remus keeps plenty of secrets.” He growled.

Lily opened her mouth for a retort, but, finding she didn’t have one, sighed. “Fine. Sirius. We’ll do it your way.”

“Lily, thank you—”

“But, when this is all over, you better be prepared to explain this to Remus.” Her stomach flipped as the words left her lips, because she knew. They both knew. There was no explaining this.

“Thank you.” He murmured, letting go of her hand as he got up from the table.

“I’ll talk to James.” She offered as he turned away from her.

“Sure.” He muttered, barely a whisper.

As he stepped down the hall, she softly spoke, “Same time tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah.” He hesitated, hand on the door knob, “I’ll tell Wormy.”

Lily’s eyes remained fixed on Sirius' back as he stepped out the door. Something dark twisted and thrashed in the pit of her stomach.

*****

**October 31, 1981**

Six days after they had cast the Fidelius charm, Lily sat picking at a scab on her thumb on the back porch steps. Their home had grown so quiet. Slowly at first, and then all at once. She hadn’t realized how used to the low thrum of the motorbike she had gotten, to the smell of Remus sneaking cigarettes out back, until it was gone. Even Peter, who could come by if he chose, hadn’t snuck in for a visit. She’d mentioned this to James, that morning, wasn’t it weird? He’d laughed her off, “Blimey, Lil, it’s only been six days.” Sure. Six days. It felt like an eternity. She should be calmer than ever, really. At the very least, her little family was as safe as it had ever been. But her family had never just been the three of them, had it? Every fiber of her being was on edge, she was making herself sick with it. Constantly wondering where they were. Why should she and James get to hide here, safe, while their friends kept on risking their lives?

The sound of Harry giggling in the sitting room drifted out the window. Of course, Harry. Harry was the reason for all of it, really. She smiled to herself and got up, dusting off her trousers, before stepping back into the house.

James sat cross legged on the floor of the sitting room, shooting puffs of coloured smoke from the end of his wand, Harry giggling wildly, grabbing at the smoke with small fists.

“We better get him to bed, love.” Lily cut in.

“About time for us too.” James yawned in reply, dropping his wand on the sofa as he scooped Harry up off the floor and handed him to Lily. He reached for his dad as Lily held him against her chest, obviously unhappy that play time was over.

“Shh, Harry,” She cooed, as James reached a finger out to tickle Harry’s outstretched palm.

The moment was broken by the sound of the front door blasting open, banging against the wall. Lily screamed in alarm, tightening her grip on Harry. James met her gaze, eyes widened, “That’ll…gotta just be Wormy.” But as he sprinted from the room, she knew he was thinking the same thing as her. _Peter always knocked._

“Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! I'll hold him off!” James screamed from the entryway. A flash of green. A loud thud.

She fought against the dizziness threatening to drag her down to the floor, a scream tearing itself from the back of her throat as she ran up the stairs to Harry’s room. _Of course_. This whole time. The spy. _It was Peter._

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the Fiona Apple album because it’s what I was listening to and I couldn’t come up with a title bahaha
> 
> Thanks to Cheese, Ko, and the Harry Potter Fanfic Writers' Guild discord for help with beta/revisions.
> 
> I'm on Tumblr @snowpoppieswrites


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